Why Not?

I’m not sure how to catch ya’ll up on what’s been happening lately in my life. I guess I’ll section them off.. anyways here goes.

School

It has been one hell of a semester. There is about five weeks of school left and I don’t feel concentrated at all. I’m not sure how I’ve managed to go through the days, completing assignments here and there, skipping tutorials, putting effort into mainly one class. It’s been crazy. In one class, a computer programming course, I’ve been complaining endlessly. Lately however, I’ve stopped. I’ve realized that everyone around me has been complaining as well, glad to know that others feel the same way but at the same time have set my mind to a place where I’ve learned that complaints won’t get me anywhere (unless you’re really good at it.) Fear has pretty much overcome this area of my life. I’m afraid to ask for help because I don’t know what to ask. I think it may be too late for me to get any help at this point. Again, five weeks left and I can imagine the TA lowering my self esteem easily with just  a glare, the type of glare that says, “Why didn’t you come to me sooner? I don’t think there’s much hope for you now.” I’m trying to push myself to work at a pace I am completely unfamiliar with after having not been in the swing of things for so long. I want to work super hard, I really do, but it’s not realistic. I don’t know what I need anymore to motivate me, other than the fact that failing the course may just well be a possibility. This leads to me to my next point. I am doing really well in the class that is killing my health. Thankfully, I’ve only had to pull two all nighters all semester but the older I get, the more I realize, I cannot not sleep! I was recently able to get a peek at my marks which showed my current status in the class and I am doing much better than I had thought.  This class tore my and my friends apart. Tensions were heavy and we had to separate to maintain our sanities but thankfully we’re still friends. I’m not sure where to go at this point, the weight is clearly not distributed the way it needs to be. How do I achieve equilibrium? If anyone has the answer to balancing academics, you let me know. Oh, as for the other two courses. My communications class is one that I’ve been neglecting the most. I’ve been lucky that it mainly consists of readings and the content has been interesting enough to keep me up to speed but these are the tutorials I’ve been skipping. However, reason being that although some of the discussions are sometimes interesting, the TA herself is not and does not direct the class in a way that makes everyone want to engage. I didn’t want my love for the course to die so I just stopped showing up. (Also another lame excuse for me to avoid having to justify my opinions to my fellow peers because I have a fear of debates. So again, fear has a presence in this course as well.) The last class, Information Design, is one that I’ve been able to manage because it’s something I’ve found naturally easy. The rest of my class doesn’t seem to be so good at it and though I admit my work can be so much better, I’ve maintained just the right amount to always come out as one of the better examples but have not tried hard at all to excel. Overall, what I’ve learned over the course of this semester, I’ve stopped caring about school. I have one month and one week to prove that my responsibility has a student will be filled and this summer will feel so much better because I will feel as if I had actually tried. It’s time to prove myself to those who doubt my abilities, including myself. I used to trust myself in everything I did, now I feel as if  every choice has to be weighed with a million questions as to ‘why’ instead of ‘why not’

The rest of my life shall be blogged about later, I have to get to class now.