There are just so many little things I’ve kept to myself that lately they’ve been spilling out to various friends. Lately, I’ve been engaging heavily in the area of self reflection. Most of my thoughts relayed to insecurities and harsh criticisms built up from every aspect of my life. I found life suddenly extremely difficult and I felt the need to push as hard as could through this wall that I had no idea of how it came into being. I didn’t know if I was the one building that wall or if the world was suddenly being a douche and gave me this wall, expecting me to tear it down while in my weakened state. All I know was that I needed to drive some force into this wall but where the force came from, I was unsure.
I’ve managed to ‘find myself’ I guess you could say, recently, and I’m glad the timing is the way it is. For awhile, I’ve been depressed. I tried to brush it off and had thrown myself into this busy lifestyle. I went through life for awhile, mindlessly getting through the day, and it appeared that I was trying too hard to try hard.. if you can understand that. I thought that the conversations I had with my close friends were signs of breakthroughs and the more I talked to them, the more I believed that I was on the right track to fulfillment and satisfaction. Now I know, that ironically, I was running in the opposite direction. The more busy I became, the more I was coming to an empty. I ended up doing horribly in everything I attempted. Realistically, the talks we had were filled with bitterness and anguish, they were mere rants and disappointments that I felt needed to be said, not to make things better, but just so I could wallow in more self pity. What became of me was an apathetic being that on the exterior was just trying too hard, but inside, was broken.
So I’m not sure how it all worked out but there was this quiz that I had avoided taking for weeks. I signed up to take a psychology survey for a student that needed it for research. That survey served as a mirror to my life. Upon completion, I finally realized how big of a wreck I really was and decided to just snap out of it. All of a sudden, I felt more at ease, comfortable. I began making sense of the things that were wrong in my life and made a conscious decision to just let go. There was nothing to it, all that needed to be done was let go. Being at peace with myself was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face. I guess you could say that I’ve made it out of the hole I had dug myself into but my fear as of late, is falling back in.
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