Right now I’m just indulging myself in a giant bowl of some home made soup and preparing to walk to school. Yes you heard me right, walk. For those who know me, school is about ten minutes away by bus. According to google maps, walking to school will take me about 30 minutes. That’s not bad at all! The winter and fall months gave off a stigma of laziness and procrastination, but the coming of summer has suddenly hoisted me onto a platform of a new fitness regime. I plan to evolve into a sexy beast by the end of it, wish me luck!

As I’ve mentioned, I haven’t had the greatest week. It’s been a lot of internal battles and deep reflections but my remedy has been blogging and prayer. I’ve had a long and busy week surrounded by people but it felt like those old highschool days when you’re there with everyone, but not really there, if you could understand. Being alone has made me lonely but also allowed me the space to think. In these quiet times, I’ve learned quite a lot about myself. It’s funny how much you think about yourself when you’re forced to be alone. Anyway, in the time that I’ve had to myself, I’ve learned one thing, writing is something that I am absolutely in love with. I’ve been able to pick up blogging after reading my friends’ blogs. I found encouragement and inspiration in their thoughts and conveying of life within mere words. Since then, I’ve begun to explore the stories that I am able to tell and finding new ways to tell them.

For now my secret story blog* remains known to only one person seeing as how that person was my hugest inspiration and is one friend I’ve found the most comfort from in sharing my writing. Perhaps in the future, it’ll be open to the world (technically it is, they just have to figure out the url) Anyway, It has definitely made me feel better and has brought much clarity to my dim situations. Maybe it’s my narcissism and being in love with the way I sound on paper (or virtual webspace) but it’s something I’m definitely proud of and that’s got to be worth something! I’m starting my journey in pursuing this passion in hopes that I’ll be able to make a career out of it. Again, wish me luck! Or support me in prayer because those are always nice (:

*this is not the secret story blog in case you were wondering

2. inspire yourself every day – find ways to ignite your creativity as it has been completely killed by the monster they call university. Pay attention to detail and don’t get caught up in fear of failure. Just try try try!

3. limit your time online – this is probably your hugest weakness. It’s a damn good thing that the tools that will help you are only able to function without the use of the internet! This is a good thing. Remember that distractions keep you from achieving what is truly important, remember that!

4. wake up early – JUST DO IT. PLEASE. YOU HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN HOW. YOU’D DO IT FOR YOUR FLIGHTS, YOUR GOVERNMENT JOB.. NOW DO IT FOR YOU! IT WILL BE BRUTAL BUT IT WILL FEEL GOOD. AND ONCE YOU’RE UP AND READY TO GO. LEAVE YOUR HOUSE! LEAVE OR YOU WILL BE TEMPTED TO CRAWL BACK INTO YOUR BED AND YOU DON’T WANT TO DO THAT!

The projects I’ve currently undertaken include a vet OL project with my friend, Jenni. Following, writing for the online newspaper, WANT, designing menus for my parents’ restaurant, and being a director of web and social media for IATSU. For someone so lazy, I’ve seem to overwhelm myself with a million things to do. Honestly, the work load isn’t awfully difficult but I’ve found that I’ve lost my willing nature, the drive. I’m not sure how long I can go on without completely burying myself in self loathing hate because I have yet to find the hardworker in me. This is bad, real bad, michael jackson.

It didn’t feel as if I was completely finished. Maybe it was from dissatisfaction from my final. I felt as if there had to be another assignment due or another final I had to study for. I couldn’t grasp that feeling of  it being ‘the end.’ I mean, ARE YOU FOR SERIOUS? I just lay there, staring at the ceiling as my friend rambled on a bit about her face showing up every so often on the tv screen at our school. (Love you, Marie Of course I was listening..) Anyway, it has felt like such a long semester and I am so thankful it’s finally over. Let’s hope the next two weeks will be enough for me to settle down, and recuperate before starting summer semester. Thankfully, I’m only taking two classes, and going to school only once a week!

It’s time to relax! See my friends! Tomorrow, I’m meeting my two best friends from highschool, we’re going to see ‘How to Train Your Dragon’ Can’t wait! Also, there are so many parties coming up, I don’t think I’ll be able to afford going to them all.. There’s a huge party next week to commemorate the end to a class that felt more like hell than anything.. birthdays, a church conference, a trip away with my friends.. now that I think about it, I can’t see how any of it is supposed to be ‘relaxing.’ Oh well!

I ran into a friend they other day who said, “The friends you make in university seem much more. They’re lifelong friends and ones you want to keep forever rather than be friends with because you’re stuck with them for the next five years. In highschool, we were forced to see those people and that’s probably why  a lot of those friendships have been broken.” Even my highschool history teacher told us that his best friends, the ones that are still around now, are from university and I’m so glad I have mine for support. On occasion, rather, on a daily occasion, they laugh at me and my drama. Thing is, I don’t feel weakened when they make these jokes. (If we were to be brutally honest, I was taken aback at first and hated them. But I’ve matured, a bit.)  I don’t mean to say that I’m naive and just trying not to let them get the best of me, I just mean that now I have a better understanding of the overall situations. I also now know the difference between their teasing and words that that are meant  to kill. I know the difference when they mean to be hurtful or when it’s just funny to be reminded of stupid things that we do. I love my friends and their idiocy sometimes, it has definitely made the growing process more fun. With all the soul-searching that’s been going on, I find my heart less heavy and my head much more full. Come summertime, I can’t wait for these talks to happen under the stars and with even more honesty. I’m hoping that in our drunken states or just because of the awesome freedom that follows with summer, that our thoughts and words will just want to pour out naturally. (It may not happen but I still can’t wait for summer and our camping trip!) All I’m really trying to say is that these friends of mine mean the world to me and I love em to death! That is all.

AG+J

I want to tell you so badly but apparently it would be difficult to undo and leave be if I did, according to them. I guess I’m going to pretend it never happened then. But it’s really funny when I play these situations over again and again in my head. How awkward would that be? Very. But I guess I’m one that lives for these awkward moments because it gives us so much more to talk about.. or not talk about. I think I liked the idea of it all but it wasn’t meant for such a thing.

It’s not as if I meant for that to happen. I’m trying to be a good friend to you but it’s not easy. We all have our flaws but something tells me I’m not crazy when I feel as if I never want to disclose any details of my life to you.

You are the biggest struggle in my life right now. I wish I had never opened my mouth but apparently I’ve said too much or you’ve done too much and now I’m living under chains. I should probably stop talking to you altogether, but I can’t help it. I love our conversations, when we have time but other than that, I don’t feel as if I mean anything at all. I’m probably overthinking it though.. maybe? Too deep.. too late to return.

YOU FRUSTRATE ME WITH THAT ATTITUDE. It’s no wonder we don’t talk and school is not to blame. If I cared enough, I would make the effort.

You’re so funny, I wish I wasn’t such an ill-tempered person but thanks for being there. You make my life so much easier and I apologize for making yours harder than it needs to be.

I wish we had another time
I wish we had another place
But everything we have is stuck in the moment
And there’s nothing my heart can do (can do)
But fight with time and space cause
I’m still stuck in the moment with you

This Bieber song feels strange to me. Maybe it’s my psychoanalyzing kicking in too much again or my heart is telling me some interesting things. Sometimes I wonder, what if. What if this happened? Or what if I did this instead of that? I tend to daydream about what could be. However, one thing’s for sure, these silly dreams of mine are usually meant for me. I’ve never told anyone these things because frankly, it’s embarrassing to admit feelings to your friends, ones that even you’re even unsure about or feelings that shouldn’t be there? They’ll probably take it further than it needs to be or crush these dreams with their ‘hard loving’ words. That’s why I’d rather keep them safe. I’m pretty much torn between keeping it in my own little world and letting it loose for the rest of the world to know. I have this fear though, a fear that if I were to admit these thoughts, I’d ruin something that seems to be in a perfectly good place for now. Well, perfect-ish.

I’ve managed to ‘find myself’ I guess you could say, recently, and I’m glad the timing is the way it is. For awhile, I’ve been depressed. I tried to brush it off and had thrown myself into this busy lifestyle. I went through life for awhile, mindlessly getting through the day, and it appeared that I was trying too hard to try hard.. if you can understand that. I thought that the conversations I had with my close friends were signs of breakthroughs and the more I talked to them, the more I believed that I was on the right track to fulfillment and satisfaction. Now I know, that ironically, I was running in the opposite direction. The more busy I became, the more I was coming to an empty. I ended up doing horribly in everything I attempted. Realistically, the talks we had were filled with bitterness and anguish, they were mere rants and disappointments that I felt needed to be said, not to make things better, but just so I could wallow in more self pity. What became of me was an apathetic being that on the exterior was just trying too hard, but inside, was broken.

So I’m not sure how it all worked out but there was this quiz that I had avoided taking for weeks. I signed up to take a psychology survey for a student that needed it for research. That survey served as a mirror to my life. Upon completion, I finally realized how big of a wreck I really was and decided to just snap out of it. All of a sudden, I felt more at ease, comfortable. I began making sense of the things that were wrong in my life and made a conscious decision to just let go. There was nothing to it, all that needed to be done was let go. Being at peace with myself was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face. I guess you could say that I’ve made it out of the hole I had dug myself into but my fear as of late, is falling back in.

I asked permission to head home because clearly, I wasn’t being productive while everyone thought I was..heh. So here I am sitting at home helping my sister out with her application to this program that she so badly wants in for. Meanwhile, I have some words waiting to be written and some other words waiting to be read.  I’m going to start with the writing because it makes me less sleepy than reading and I guess I should stop talking about what I’m going to do and just do it.

School

It has been one hell of a semester. There is about five weeks of school left and I don’t feel concentrated at all. I’m not sure how I’ve managed to go through the days, completing assignments here and there, skipping tutorials, putting effort into mainly one class. It’s been crazy. In one class, a computer programming course, I’ve been complaining endlessly. Lately however, I’ve stopped. I’ve realized that everyone around me has been complaining as well, glad to know that others feel the same way but at the same time have set my mind to a place where I’ve learned that complaints won’t get me anywhere (unless you’re really good at it.) Fear has pretty much overcome this area of my life. I’m afraid to ask for help because I don’t know what to ask. I think it may be too late for me to get any help at this point. Again, five weeks left and I can imagine the TA lowering my self esteem easily with just  a glare, the type of glare that says, “Why didn’t you come to me sooner? I don’t think there’s much hope for you now.” I’m trying to push myself to work at a pace I am completely unfamiliar with after having not been in the swing of things for so long. I want to work super hard, I really do, but it’s not realistic. I don’t know what I need anymore to motivate me, other than the fact that failing the course may just well be a possibility. This leads to me to my next point. I am doing really well in the class that is killing my health. Thankfully, I’ve only had to pull two all nighters all semester but the older I get, the more I realize, I cannot not sleep! I was recently able to get a peek at my marks which showed my current status in the class and I am doing much better than I had thought.  This class tore my and my friends apart. Tensions were heavy and we had to separate to maintain our sanities but thankfully we’re still friends. I’m not sure where to go at this point, the weight is clearly not distributed the way it needs to be. How do I achieve equilibrium? If anyone has the answer to balancing academics, you let me know. Oh, as for the other two courses. My communications class is one that I’ve been neglecting the most. I’ve been lucky that it mainly consists of readings and the content has been interesting enough to keep me up to speed but these are the tutorials I’ve been skipping. However, reason being that although some of the discussions are sometimes interesting, the TA herself is not and does not direct the class in a way that makes everyone want to engage. I didn’t want my love for the course to die so I just stopped showing up. (Also another lame excuse for me to avoid having to justify my opinions to my fellow peers because I have a fear of debates. So again, fear has a presence in this course as well.) The last class, Information Design, is one that I’ve been able to manage because it’s something I’ve found naturally easy. The rest of my class doesn’t seem to be so good at it and though I admit my work can be so much better, I’ve maintained just the right amount to always come out as one of the better examples but have not tried hard at all to excel. Overall, what I’ve learned over the course of this semester, I’ve stopped caring about school. I have one month and one week to prove that my responsibility has a student will be filled and this summer will feel so much better because I will feel as if I had actually tried. It’s time to prove myself to those who doubt my abilities, including myself. I used to trust myself in everything I did, now I feel as if  every choice has to be weighed with a million questions as to ‘why’ instead of ‘why not’

The rest of my life shall be blogged about later, I have to get to class now.